Be Brave

  Anyone who knows me, knows this. I had a hard year last year so I made my new year's resolution count. I didn't go with the standard, "I'm gonna lose those last ten pounds" or  "I'm gonna quit my favorite vice." I went with, "I'm gonna be brave." I moved out of the house, filed for divorce and started a new job. I have changed my life so much. I'm living again, I'm making mistakes and dating all the wrong people. My heart is getting bruised and my head is feeling overwhelmed. I have no idea what the future will bring or if I will ever find someone to share it with me. I say the phrase "I don't know" to myself 15 times a day and that makes my heart beat faster. I'm uncertain and scared but I'm invigorated. I'm finally awake and taking control of my life. I may have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going but my eyes are open. Part of me wants to run back to my old life but that's the fear talking because going back to the numbness wouldn't do anyone involved in that relationship any good.  Don't get me wrong, I did this for me but I think I also did it for my son and my ex. He's in better shape than he's ever been and although my son is shuttled between us, I think he will understand.

 I'm scared. No, I'm terrified but I'm also feeling everything. I'm making choices that are going to affect everyone I love and that scares me so much, but I'm not paralyzed. Okay, sometimes I let it get to me but then I remember my new year's resolution.... Be brave!