Long time and no blog

I was gonna get on here and have this in depth, witty and probably slightly sardonic blog but I just can't think of anything amazing to say. Truth be told, I'm in a funk. My Dad's birthday is tomorrow and it effects me. The man has been dead for 14 years and still my heart constricts and I get cranky. I start questioning those I love, thinking I'm not as special or as attractive to them. I guess his birthday makes me think of my mortality more than my own. I also tend to revert to the small only child I was. I want to have a tantrum if I don't get what I want when I want it. On top of all that, I love someone. It's a great thing to love someone. I want to know how he feels because, well, I'm slightly vain. I want to be wanted but now I'm ready to be wanted by one person and for the right reasons. My heart is on the line, I am the most vulnerable right now and he is the non-verbal type. He did tell me about a song that he considers our song. All good signs but my messed up head thinks people will not like me from one minute to the next, or will leave me. My motto used to be, "Better to leave first and spare yourself the pain." Now, I think it may be, "Show your heart and give your love freely."

Muscle Memory

If anyone can tell me how to distance myself from my emotions, please let me know. I have no idea how to do that anymore. I used to be so good at dating and knowing how to read men, now I don't have a clue. The muscle for that must have gone dormant. I feel so confused about my emotional life but I'm moving forward, one foot in front of the other. Why do I feel like I'm part of some 12 step program? I'm sure I'll figure it out but right now I'm just confused. It's dangerous when I'm confused. I tend to make bad decisions. I do learn more from my mistakes but I don't want to leave collateral damage. Again with the confusion, I am officially a mess.

Moodiness is next to something

You know how I know when my hormones are controlling me? I spend half the day moping and the other half smiling. I'm like a crazed psychopath but I don't get the happy, numbing drugs. Hormones and emotions are horrible and wonderful things. I don't know if I care about anything or maybe care too much. My mind and emotions are on overload. I question everything and don't really know what I want or who I really want to be with. I have no idea if the person or persons I'm interested in even care to be with me. How's that for confusion? I have been logical for the majority of my life and it's like my brain shut down and let me float. I'm floating but have no idea where I'm going or how to get back to shore. It seems the more I paddle, the more I stay in one place. I guess this is where I need to be, to learn whatever it is that I need to learn.

My head exploded just a little...

Wow, I just have so much inside me, all these thoughts swirling in my head. I seem destined to like men who have issues or something to keep us apart. I don't know what I want out of life so I assume that is why I choose complicated men. My mother says I analyze everything and she's right. I put too much importance on small actions. How do I learn to let things go and just be? How do I relax and have fun? Not be worried about how things are going to turn out or why people do the things they do. I would have been an excellent scientist. If science wasn't so boring, I would have been happy putting everything under a microscope.
Does iced tea go bad? I think it does, at least it goes stale. Yuck, I guess I'm making more tea.
The weather has become so nice but I wish I could still lay by the pool and SuperLiam could swim. He loves the water and was born to swim. Now, I'm scattered. Oh well, just like every other day.

Conflicted? Yes, please!

You know how it's been said that "life is pain." Well, I'm convinced that my life is all about confusion. I feel more confused every day. I don't know what I want in most things and knowing me, I'm keeping it a secret. When I figure it out, I'll let you know. 
I'm also conflicted, which I'm sure has to do with the whole confusion issue. I am at a time in my life where most people are settling down and happily or unhappily married as the case may be. I guess I have never wanted to do what everyone else was doing. I'm a rebel at heart masked by a pretty smile and charming wit. 
Maybe I'm conflicted because I want to control the outcome or because I have this need to figure everything out. Sometimes, I just want to turn my brain off and not think of anything. I envy the people who accept things as they come and go on with life but at the same time I could never do that. I would get so bored. I think I'm doomed to be conflicted and confused, I guess there are worse things but boy my head hurts.

Be Brave

  Anyone who knows me, knows this. I had a hard year last year so I made my new year's resolution count. I didn't go with the standard, "I'm gonna lose those last ten pounds" or  "I'm gonna quit my favorite vice." I went with, "I'm gonna be brave." I moved out of the house, filed for divorce and started a new job. I have changed my life so much. I'm living again, I'm making mistakes and dating all the wrong people. My heart is getting bruised and my head is feeling overwhelmed. I have no idea what the future will bring or if I will ever find someone to share it with me. I say the phrase "I don't know" to myself 15 times a day and that makes my heart beat faster. I'm uncertain and scared but I'm invigorated. I'm finally awake and taking control of my life. I may have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going but my eyes are open. Part of me wants to run back to my old life but that's the fear talking because going back to the numbness wouldn't do anyone involved in that relationship any good.  Don't get me wrong, I did this for me but I think I also did it for my son and my ex. He's in better shape than he's ever been and although my son is shuttled between us, I think he will understand.

 I'm scared. No, I'm terrified but I'm also feeling everything. I'm making choices that are going to affect everyone I love and that scares me so much, but I'm not paralyzed. Okay, sometimes I let it get to me but then I remember my new year's resolution.... Be brave!